A Halloween Treat-giving Guide

Holiday gift guides have started hitting mailboxes. Sausages, cheeses, pies, steaks. Technology gadgets, leather goods, popcorn. There’s no shortage of treat ideas for people you know.

But what about treat ideas for kids you don’t know?

Before you get carried away with Thanksgiving pie ordering and Christmas gift buying, let’s get Halloween right.

Greeting card companies have driven the prominence of conjured holidays. Similarly, candy companies have driven the modern Halloween custom of throwing handfuls of high fructose corn syrup at any kid that comes on your property.

Starting tonight – no, this afternoon – kids of all ages will begin filling pillowcases with candy. Throw a stick over their shoulders, tie on the bags and the teenagers will look like bona fide carpetbaggers.

The candy thing has gone off the insulin charts. We need to get back to a saner trick-or-treating time because there’s nothing more normal than knocking on strange doors seeking handouts.

Given the extreme swing our culture has taken toward sugar consumption, I recommend a new tack for trick-or-treat participation. Consider the following items in lieu of the customary diabetes-inducing fare:

1. Raisins – You have options here, but all will be good for post-Halloween digestion. You can purchase individual one-inch raisin boxes or you can buy in bulk and create your own Ziploc baggie-fulls.

Best yet, you can give a single raisin to each child who darkens your doorway. Any of the above will freak out your visitors which is the point, correct?

2. Pennies – Most kids these days have never seen a penny unless they’ve participated in the “share a penny” program at your neighborhood quick mart. Throw a few pennies in your visitors’ buckets to create a mysterious jingle effect. The bell tolls…

Feel free to add a story about the pennies’ origin: decomposed eyelids at the city cemetery.

3. Work – Here’s your chance to reform the lackluster work ethic of a generation of kids. Order ten yards of cedar mulch and have it dumped in your front yard.

When kids knock, hand them a shovel and tell them to start spreading. When they ask for payment, reinforce that the work is the gift.

4. Apples – It’s ridiculous that people stopped giving out whole fruit because of a few bad apples. The chances of finding a razor blade in your Halloween apples back in the day were actually, well, razor-thin.

A Fuji apple is sweet enough to satisfy any sweet tooth. Plus, apples are like a virtual teeth brushing after stops at homes of unreformed treat-givers.

5. Toothbrushes – This handout is the trick-or-treat equivalent of tough love. Kids may see it as party-pooping, but years from now they’ll remember you as the one with perspective.

Throw in a travel size tube of toothpaste and your wisdom will become legendary. You may even get some eggs out of it.

***

I admit this list may be too much too soon. If so, and if you haven’t made a candy aisle run, consider your junk drawer as a source of giveaways: pencils, stickers, trinkets, coupons.

Just stay away from the razor blades.

 
Kevin Thompson can be reached at kevin@kwt.info.

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1 Response to “A Halloween Treat-giving Guide”


  1. 1 jessestroup November 1, 2017 at 11:39

    Kevin, Decomposed eyelids from the city cemetery is the winner. Did Preston come up with that one? On another note, should Papaw take this very good article as a message to stop sending or bringing brownies? I am big enough to hear your honest reply.

    Jesse

    Jesse Stroup Director of Spiritual Care

    JesseStrouplive@yahoo.com 6300 Harry Hines Blvd. BKB 101 Dallas, TX 75235 (888) 767-6363

    >


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