“Kids Say…” 2011 Rewind

Fathering a handful of kids gives me a front row seat to the classic things they say. Consider me an everyday Art Linkletter, the entertainer who made a name for himself interviewing kids in the 1950s and 60s. Bill Cosby followed suit in the 1990s with the CBS show Kids Say the Darndest Things.

For this final 2011 edition of American Dreaming, I offer the most hilarious lines my progeny uttered this year. Please remember their mother is at least half responsible for each.

From the son who turned eight this year…

“Can a player fire a referee?”

While walking past his school garden: “Can you plant marshmallows?”

“Brother has two teeth and sister doesn’t have any because he’s older.” (Brother and sister are twins; brother is technically one minute older.)

When I gave him permission to swim shirtless: “But people will see my nibbles!”

After he prayed to win a soccer game, I suggested that he pray for something more divinely neutral like the health of all the players or for it to be a sunny day: “I’ll pray for it to be partly cloudy.”

From the son who turned five this year…

After watching the music group Black Eyed Peas perform in the Super Bowl halftime show, “Do you like the Black Beans? I do.”

In a hotel pool during spring break: “Splashing is my superpower.”

“Can I marry my sister?”

“Can we go to Toys 4 Us?”

“Grapes turn into raisins. Does cheese turn into Cheez-its?”

“Is ‘urinate’ Spanish for ‘tee-tee’?”

“Are hot dogs the cows’ weenies?”

After receiving a punishment, “I’m in jail! I’m in jail!”

While I filled out a batting order for his brother’s baseball team: “Do you put the good players first and the bad players last?”

“Were you playing a game of golf last night or just a round of golf?”

After I asked him what we could do for a boy who lives in a difficult family situation: “Test him?”

Vocabulary notes: he calls facial hair not ‘whiskers,’ but ‘splinters’ and he calls golf ball elevation devices not ‘tees’ but ‘picks.’

Finally, from the son who turned three this year (the linchpin, as I call him)…

When asked how many brothers he has: “Two.” (In fact, he has three.)

When asked to identify a five-cent piece: “That’s a pickle.”

“There’s the ice cream shop. It doesn’t have a playground.”

Mom: “You need to go potty.”
Son: “Can I have a piece of candy?”
Mom: “No, but you can have breakfast.”

Dad to son eating a cookie: “Did Mom say you could have a cookie?”
Son: “Yes.”
Dad: “Mom, did you say he could have a cookie?”
Mom: “No.”
Son, handing me the cookie: “I’ll just have one tomorrow.”

And as I was leaving for work recently: “Bye, Daddy-boy.”

Bye, 2011-boy.

Kevin Thompson writes weekly for The Boerne Star. Contact him at kevin@kwt.info.

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